The Sperm Test

Now this is not really about Russia per-se, just another one of those strange things that seem to happen to me all of the time.

My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for quite some time now. We have been married for almost 6 years and we have been trying the entire time for a baby. I already have a 13 year-old son from a previous marriage, but a lot can happen to a guys body in 13+ years so we decided that I should get a sperm test here in Moscow.
The clinic where we went was kind of odd to begin with. Inside it looked more like a funky, modern hotel than a fertility clinic. The walls were an odd combinations of greens and there were paintings everywhere of sort of vague, abstract faces and figures. It reminded me of a hotels I stayed in when I was in Prague and Kharkov, Ukraine that were decorated around an art theme.
When my wife called to make the appointment they gave her the impression that they would try to create some sort of romantic setting where she could help me with the process (so to speak). However, when they took us to the room it was just a standard medical office exam room with three normal exam tables and a sink. They also told my wife that there would be a selection of magazines and that sort of thing, which is normal in this situation. There was nothing of the sort here, just a room.

My wife, being the good wife that she is, offered to help me but I was already starting to feel a little freaked out by the situation and decided to try and go it alone. After a fruitless search in the cabinets for the non-existent magazines I started to get as undressed as I felt was necessary to ensure I didn’t go to work with any unfortunate stains on my clothes.

Just as I get undressed I can hear my wife talking sharply to someone and then the door handle starts to jiggle. Fortunately I had locked it or they would have come right in. I quickly pulled my pants back on and opened the door to see what was going on. My wife was alone, but I could see someone in a medical uniform a few doors away. She looked like the old nurse from Shallow Hal when all he can see it people’s inner-beauty, and she didn’t have any.

My wife told me that everything was OK so I closed the door and tried to get my head back into what I was supposed to be doing. It wasn’t easy, especially without any kind of visual or other stimulation to help. I had to use my imagination more that I probably have ever had to before. Anyway I finally completed my task, got dressed and left the room. My wife put the sample container in her purse and we made our way our way back upstairs to give it to the lab.

After we left, my wife told me that the old woman came straight to the door and tried to open it even though my wife was telling her that someone was there and she couldn’t go in. This was all in Russian so I missed most of it. The old woman replied that she was a doctor and she could go anywhere she wanted. This went back and forth for a minute or more that I could hear through the door. Elena (my wife) finally insisted that a man was doing a test in there and needed privacy. To this the old woman said that maybe I needed help and she could help me. This went on a bit more and finally the old woman gave up and went away. I think this must be something that happens a lot. She probably gets her jollies from walking in on guys trying to perform.

On the way back to the metro from the clinic we saw a bald-headed pigeon. It looked as if maybe teenagers had caught it, plucked the head bald and released it. Don’t know if this means anything, but it just seemed ominous considering the events just before in the clinic.

I will post a picture (of the pigeon, not from the clinic).